Chatiryworld

Moving, not moving, leaving...

It's been an odd week, first we were moving and getting very excited, then we weren't moving, then we might have been moving and then we decided definitely not to move.  It was all to do with money and sums and mortgages and other really grown up stuff.  On top of that it was my last week in my current post (I start my new one tomorrow, hurrah!) and whilst I have really been wanting to get out, I will really miss the people.  So an emotional week too.  Here's some photos from our honeymoon in Cornwall, I'll blog about that another time, but just thought I should check in.

Dreamings of a domestic nature

Sometimes I wish I had done some kind of high powered graduate job at a blue chip company, made stupid amounts of money on property in London and then sold up to live the good life.  I probably could have done it by now.  However the reality is that if I had got through the selection process I probably would have had some kind of breakdown from work pressure and been miserable in a cheap flat in a crap area.  So let's be glad I didn't do that.

I've taken this week off having had a wobbly start to the new year (nothing serious just realising I'm not fully recovered from last summer's time off).  I don't have any concrete plans beyond working on wedding invitations, knitting, reading and sorting bits of the flat out.  Today I shredded a ridiculous mass of credit card and mobile phone bills, gave the hall shelves a good dusting and put some CD drawers into new use as crap receptacle devices.  Somewhere to hide receipts, appointment cards and the general deitrus that gets left around every time you come home.  I also went to the library, worked on knitting a baby jumper, watched Be Kind Rewind and read in the bath.  It was a good day.  Tomorrow I'll tackle another room for cleaning and sorting, knit some more, read some more, cook, watch Obama's inauguration and hopefully have another good day.

I like the domestic life.  This year I'm aiming to have even more of a domestic life.  I currently work four days a week and it's great to have that extra day as quiet time for me. Extra knitting, cooking, sewing, walking, reading, thinking time.  Yes, I'm lucky in that I can just about afford to do this (although it's to help my health not just a little whim I had and I will probably return to five days later this year) but I'd love to have more days like this.

I suppose reading books like Jane Brocket's The Gentle Art of Domesticity and a lifelong love of house p0rn magazines doesn't help.  I read Thrift Book the other week and whilst it didn't really tell me anything new it made me want to start making jam and get better at sewing.  I bought Sew Hip yesterday to inspire me. 

Am I setting women's lib back by desiring these things?  No, it's all about choices (and it's worth adding that Jon's just brought me a warm cranberry muffin he just made, I'm not the only one in this house cherishing the domestic life).  I don't think a woman's place is in the home, I've got a lot out of working and I'm not sure I'd ever give it up.  Actually I think everyone's place is in the home, it's a good place to be (for most of us) and we need to be working to live more.  It goes with the whole slow movement, something else I'm striving for.

Ah well, we are not in any financial position to be able to give up work and live the good life, plus there's the danger that we would become total hermits.  And whilst I do read many blogs where it seems life is wonderful and there's endless time for crafting and baking, as blog readers we need to remember that bloggers censor a lot.  You don't always know the negatives behind a blog post, whether that be ill health, sleepless nights, financial worries, bereavement.  I've hinted at why I am off this week, which, in a roundabout way, has lead me to write this post, but you're not getting the full story.  And no matter how many beautiful homes you read about in magazines, you never know what's in those handpainted cupboards.

For this week, though, I shall live for my home.

A year in Chatiryworld

What a year!  Fantastic high as we got engaged, pretty bad low when I ended up off sick for several weeks due to work-related stress.  I may have had time to bake, sew and knit, but the way I was feeling sucked.  A lot.  But getting engaged was the highlight and we eased ourselves into the scary world of wedding planning whilst trying not to lose sight of what the day is all about.  So far we've been succeeding and will be having a fun and relaxed day with no posh cars or seating plans.  But what else happened in 2008?

January - Out of the blue, Jon proposed, and we were very touched to receive well-wishes from all over the world.  A couple of days after all the madness I went to Paris for a few days for work.

February - I braved a wedding fair, Clothkits returns and is prozac a placebo?  Plus Jon has a birthday.

March - I made my first significant wedding purchase, books and children and Free Cat rules the roost.

April - We go and see Portishead and get to go to The Taste of Scotland press day.

May - A much-needed break in Orkney and our blogging/real life pal Croila gets engaged.

June - Oh dear, I begin a seven week stretch off work thanks to stress and anxiety.  A nice relaxing weekend at Jon's mums ends badly thanks to cryptosporidium in the water.  The official engagement rings arrives.

July - Three years together, I bake and mend and Croila and I go wedding dress shopping - success for me!  Plus I cheat at making a quilt.

August - Going back to work makes me ponder the slow movements, Sheffield's iconic cooling towers come down and we spend some time with family by the seaside.

September - Emily enjoys her hat and a quick visit to Skye.

October - Jon gives me a nice surprise, I help friends with fundraising and we help Typepad celebrate 5 years.

November - was a bit mental.  I had some nightmare train journeys but in the middle of it we went to a lovely wedding in Northampton, we go to Brussels for my birthday and I go to the Country Living Fair.

December - I open a bookshop, Oliver Postgate dies and I think about children's TV.  Emily and John make faces for one of my favourite photos of the year, and we do a little bit to help Emily and her parents raise over £1,000 for Aid for Children with Tracheostomies.

Same time, same place next year?

Baking and mending

When I first went off sick I went on a bit of a domestic frenzy.  Well, I had time to make things from recipe books and give Jon a break from cooking.  With The Water Bug of last week it slowed down but today I made a salad and a low-fat chocolate cake for a friend coming for lunch.  The above mosaic shows some of my creations from the other week.  Clockwise, from top-left, we have Clotilde's Chocolate & Zucchini cake (the link is to her blog version, I followed the recipe from her book), courgette and feta pasta from Tessa Kiros' Apples for Jam, Nigel Slater's chocolate brownies and finally, a pizza made with Jon's homemade sauce (using fresh tomatoes from the farmer's market) and a recipe for a pizza base from Apples for Jam again.  I tried making the base again this week and it didn't work, I'm not sure I'm going to use it again as it only worked the other week because it went wrong!  All very yummy.

The title says mending because I feel I've been mending, on a personal level.  Last week was Not Good and I had a particularly bad day on Thursday but I made sure I took things even easier after that and read over relaxation techniques.  Things are looking up.

The ring is here

At last, The Ring has arrived from Orkney, thanks to Lorraine at Ola Gorie for being so helpful.  In less than a year it will be joined by a wedding band.

I'm off for another two weeks, still struggling.  Apologies if it takes me a while to reply to posts/comments/emails at the moment, I really do appreciate your messages of support.

Back

Until Sunday night I had a lovely, relaxing time at down with Jon's mum (and the pets).  What happened on Sunday night?

This.

I thought it was IBS but I'm never that ill with a flare up, and I didn't sleep it off to bounce back to relative normality after a while.  I had to stay down south an extra day and still don't feel great.  This of course is on top of the stress and anxiety I was feeling anyway.  Can I be better now please body?

Wish I was there

Not sure what I was expecting from being off but I had hoped it wouldn't involve the anxiety I seem to be feeling.  I suspect there's a view that being signed off work for stress is the easy way out.  It's not.  I would much rather be feeling on top of things and back to 'normal' but that's not how I feel and I'll have to find some way to get over that, preferably not involving further prescription medicine. 

Tomorrow Jon and I head down to Northamptonshire to stay at his mums for a couple of days.  Although we live in a nice peaceful suburb it's no match for being in a small village with nothing around it apart from peace and quiet.  Just what I need at the moment.

Be good!

Head up

This is my Mii (and Jon's Mii) on the Wii Fit.  Pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment which has now lead to me being signed off work for two weeks.  I've had a busy time of it and the stress has now become too overwhelming for me to function properly.  And I'm already on Prozac as it is...

So two weeks of chilling out, I expect there will be several walks up to Bruntsfield and Morningside, knitting, sewing and reading.  We are going to visit Jon's mum next weekend, she lives in a sleepy Northamptonshire village and I think this trip will be well worth the hassle of travel.  There's not much to do there apart from walks and going to tea shops and country pubs and that's all I really want out of a break at the moment!

 

Placebo effect?

I don't tend to look at the news as much when I'm away from work (it's not that I spend my time skiving off and reading news, I do actually need to be aware on what's going on in certain topic areas) so I only saw the story that Prozac doesn't work today.

As someone who has taken Prozac for most of the last ten years, I'm obviously more than a little biased, plus I take it for anxiety, not depression.  But if it is like a placebo, why is it the only medication that has taken any effect on my anxiety?  Why does it make a significant difference when I have a relapse and need to go back on it?  Why did Seroxat (a similar anti-depressant, also in the study) not do me any good and in fact made me feel ill, but Prozac didn't? 

I do wonder if they are over-prescribed, and there are issues with people being given medication when they might benefit from therapy more, but it simply isn't available (although I do also believe that medication can give you the strength you need to deal with therapy).  I have some concerns about the government's 'army of therapists' (I don't know if this is in Scotland as well as England, health is a devolved matter) and the idea of cognitive behavioural therapy being the miracle cure we all need.   I'm sure it works really well for many people but mental illness is a tricky thing and what works for one person doesn't always work well for another.  You also have to remember that some people have mental health problems due to a chemical imbalance in the brain (given other cases of anxiety in my family I have reason to believe that I may be one of them) and no amount of therapy will cure this.  It might help, as we all need to talk to people, and CBT can help you deal with problems (I've used some of the principles myself), but it's not necessarily a cure-all.

I'll watch developments with interest.  Remember, if you are on SSRI anti-depressants and you want to stop, do it gradually, don't ever stop suddenly as that way lies nasty side-effects.

To heel or not to heel?

I never ever wear heels, I've worn kitten heels twice and doubt I'll wear them again.  Why don't I wear them when I Am A Lady?  Because I find them uncomfortable and I don't think they are good for my feet.  Boing Boing has linked to an infographic (their word) telling me just how bad they are for my feet.  Yes, I certainly think they look good and sometimes I think my outfits would be improved by them, but I just can't do it to my feet and the rest of my body.  And if it means I can't join in discussions about shoes at work then so be it.